OUR OWN STORIES FROM THE FIRST COUPLE OF MONTHS
Apart from having problems not bursting out in laughter delivering the message that we don't use a lot of different things, this method has actually proven to be very efficient.
There's probably some kind of code in the system, which marks that this customer is absolutely not interesting.
The amazing thing is that so far non of these - very polite and
courteous people by the way - we're talking to have been able to
answer back on the phrase: we do not use…
They're probably holding a sheet of paper with the most common
answers in front of them and with a guideline telling them, what to
reply if they get one of these answers. So far the "we do not use"
phrase isn't on this paper so neither is the seller's reply. They
don't use it.
Best regards
Mogens Nørgaard
Managing director (spin-doctor, spinner,…)
Cleaning articles
Seller: May I please speak with the person responsible for
purchase of cleaning articles?
Me: Sorry, but we do not use cleaning liquids in this company
Seller: Oh, well, sorry to disturb you. Goodbye.
That was the beginning. A month later I was fluent in this
rejoinder, and stated to a similar seller that we did not do any
cleaning at all in the office, as we sat very still and hardly made
any mess at all.
Printers (first version)
May I speak to the person responsible for purchasing printer
toner?
Sorry, we do not use printer toner here
OK, what about ink cartridges for your ink jet printers?
No, we simply do not have any printers here
Oh, well, sorry to bother you then. Goodbye.
Anette, our marketing director, tried desperately to keep the
façade, when doing the same months later to a seller of letter
paper and envelopes.
Printers (second version)
Good morning, I am calling from xyz. Some time ago I promised to
send a box of chocolates, as you were so kind as to participate in
a questionnaire on your use of print toner cartridges; could I
please speak to the person responsible for purchase of office
equipment?
We have fired her.
Oh, dear. Well, could I speak to the person now responsible for your printers?
Sorry, we do not use printers any more
Oh, well, you do have SOME printers, do you not?
Yes, but we throw them out whenever they run dry.
I see ….. really ….. sorry to disturb you, goodbye.
Personal development
Hello, I am calling from xyz. We have selected 60 directors, you
amongst them, that we want to offer a personal development
programme.
Thank you, but we do not use personal development. We have thought about it, but we discovered that our living comes from our three big customers that each give us a large amount each month, so we have decided that there we do not need to do anything about our personal development.
Well, thank you, and sorry to have bothered you, goodbye.
Customers
Hello, I have on offer a CRM-program suite, which can keep track
of your customer relations.
Sorry, but we do not use customers here
Really? Anyhow, the program has also excellent facilities to keep track of your leads, which you use to get new customers.
Thank you, but the real situation is starker than that, we do not need new customers either. We have some few, and very loyal customers, who we can turn to, month after month, for our earnings.
Ok, well, in that case, sorry to bothered you, goodbye.
Newspapers
Hello, I want to offer you a three-month subscription on the xyz
paper.
We do not use newspapers here.
That is all right; because I can then offer this as an electronic subscription, then you get the news via your email!
Actually, we do not use any news here. We are happy with the way things are. Our experience shows that the world seems calmer place when we do not read the news.
Well, thank you, and sorry to have bothered you, goodbye.
Computers
Hi, this is Maja from Dataform - I would like to talk to a person
that is using a computer?
We do not use computers at our firm.
Well, that does make this rather difficult … goodbye.
Some time later Maja did call another person at our company and
got exactly the same answer. Mind-share, definitely something we
have at our place.
Network
I would like to talk with the person responsible for purchase of
your network equipment.
We do not use any network at this place. Our bunch of laptops just sit on the same table.
Ok, well, in that case, sorry to bother you, goodbye.
Our Peter Sørensen from the company handled that one. Also a
very good debut.
Advertisements
I would like to speak with the person responsible for the
company's advertisements.
I am sorry, but we do not use any advertisements here.
Oh, I see, but how do new customers find you then?
We do not need any new customers in this business. The very few customers we do have already know our numbers, and we actually do not expect to ever get new customers. We expect to die together with our customers.
Well, thank you, and sorry to disturb you, goodbye.
Office furniture
I would like to talk to the person handling purchase of office
furniture
We do not use any office furniture her
Ok, sorry, goodbye
Our office assistant Karin handled this one. She was getting
real good at the technique, and putting the right emphasis on the
word "not", thus keeping the conversations mercifully short.
Indoor climate
I would like to speak with the person responsible for the
company's indoor climate. This is in connection with an
investigation we are doing on behalf of an engineering company. On
receiving your answers, we can then offer a visit by one of our
consultants, without any obligations of course.
We do not consume any indoor climate in our company.
Well, thank you, and sorry to disturb you, goodbye.
Our Managing Director looked very smug and satisfied after
having handled above exchange. It was his first attempt, and the
rest of us thought he had done very well, indeed.
Ilumination
I would like to speak with the person responsible for handling the
lighting.
We do not use any lighting in our company.
Yes, well, I meant the illumination, like fluorescent lamps in the ceiling and so forth.
I understood you right then. The matter of fact is, that we have large skylights in the ceiling, and all the pc screens also give off lots of light, so we simply do not use any additional light fixtures.
Well, that seems all right then. Goodbye.
Telephony (one)
I would like to talk with the person responsible for purchase of
your telephone equipment.
We do not use telephony at our company
How do you make calls to others outside the company then?
We do not call out. We are a few office girls that just sit inside the office all day.
So what about when people want to call you?
That never happens.
Well, thank you, and sorry to have bothered you, goodbye.
This kind of call is particularly hard to handle - we answered
the phone after all! No one has yet pointed out the illogicality of
this. Our office assistant Karin also handled this one.
Telephony (two)
I would like to talk with the person responsible for purchase of
your telephone equipment.
We almost do not use telephones at this firm - we do practically all our communication via e-mails.
Sorry to have bothered you, goodbye.
Michael Möller's debut in this noble sport. (We presume it was
the same seller - they usually do not give up easily)
Company Listing
I would like to talk to the person responsible for registering
your company in the listings
We do not use any company listings
Well, how do customers find you then?
They know who we are.
What about new customers?
There are no new customers. Only the old ones. And they do know us.
Well, that means there is not that much I can sell to you then. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
The Technical Director (CTO) is still capable.
Teach yourself CD
Good day, I am calling from the Boersen publishing group. We are
offering some teach-yourself-CD for Microsoft Office.
That sounds interesting. Do you still have the programs for learning WordPerfect 4.2 or SuperCalc4? I remember you did have these at the end of the eighties.
Ehrm, no I do not think so, but I will gladly check if we still do. But then there are these excellent CDs for Microsoft Office that I have on offer.
But we do not use CD readers in this office. We have 5.25" floppy drives.
Yes, but what about the central server? It surely has a CD drive?
We do not use any servers.
Ah, well…
But if you really could get a copy of the WordPerfect or SuperCalc that would be great. It is not that we who have used the program the last 17 years need to learn anything about them, but then there are the new employees, which are having a difficult time to learn them.
I am quite sure we do have anything on diskettes. All our programmes are delivered on CD.
As far as you believe, yes. Well, not that I have that great an understanding on the subject matter, but don't you think we could squeeze the CD disk into the 5.25" drive?
No, I do not think you can. But I will call you back with an answer. Good-bye.
He did not call back.
Mobile Phones
I would like to talk to the person responsible for purchase of
mobile phones at your company.
We do not use mobile phones.
What, really? How do you manage without mobile phones?
We have one normal landline, and our customers do know the number.
Sorry to have bothered you. Goodbye.
This was done by our youngest employee, Morten (possibly the
youngest of our type of consultancy), and he was pretty pleased
with himself.
Fuel
May I please speak to a person that is over that age of 18 and
buys fuel for a car?
No….sorry, we only use bicycles here. We are very environmentally conscious. We do not use fuel.
Mmmm… I have nothing further do say here then … goodbye.
Möller again. The caller actually sounded a bit like he was
insulted.
Market Research (for the experienced practitioner)
Good day, this is X from the Vilstrup Market Research company. May
I speak to the person in charge of the telephone systems in your
company?
Yes, you may, but I am not sure you will get much useful information. We have stopped using telephones in general.
Yes… ?!
No, we have switched to using shortwave radio.
Really … ?!
Yes, and it is free! Of course there is the occasional problem with using them over long distances, but then we borrow a telephone where we are visiting.
Really … ?!
And with the new American TETRA-pack technology you can combine short-wave and cellular, and that works real well. At the same time we have equipped our company cars with a motherfu…. aerial, which really can push some power, depending on how many hills there are in the area…
Really … ?!
… and the best is that it means we can decide on how to scramble the signals …
Yes … ?!
(lowering voice) Yeah, I am not sure if you really know this, but we are all constantly being eavesdropped on…
Thank you. I really do not want to take any more of your time. Have a good day!
When I did the "conspiracy voice" thing, the Vilstrup guy was
suddenly very eager to get out of this conversation. (This is
product development of the "Sorry we do not use" principle. More to
come)
A final word
Apart from the challenge to keep a straight face, or at least an
even voice, when delivering this rejoinder about yet another thing
we do not use at our company, the method has proven very effective.
I envisage that the seller adds a code in their contact database
that indicates this is hopeless customer and of no further
interest.
What surprises me is that none of the seller, whilst remaining polite and friendly, has managed to counter the "we do not use". Presumably they have some list of typical customer responses and how to reply to them and (as yet) there is no entry for "we do not use".
They do not use that
And an addendum
The word is out. We are getting calls where it seems the seller
has bet his colleagues he can sell us something or at least make an
appointment. They do not reveal that they have read the web page
and keep to the unwritten rule of only using normal sales
techniques, sometimes ingenious in their counter arguments. Time to
develop this idea further.
With the kindest of regards,
Mogens Norgaard
Technical Director (Spindoctor)